


Dealing with it

by cascadedEquilibrium



Category: South Park
Genre: Adoption, Especially at 3am in the morning, First fic for South Park, I Can't Believe I Wrote This, M/M, OC-centric, all grown up, kill me now
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-11-30
Updated: 2018-06-03
Packaged: 2019-02-08 18:18:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,915
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12870294
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cascadedEquilibrium/pseuds/cascadedEquilibrium
Summary: Sometimes, this town’s bullshit is so much that it reaches the next generationMy grandpa witnessed itMy dad witnessed itNow I witnessed it





	1. Pilot Episode

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cole Tweek-Tucker witnessed tiny people stealing his underpants. He is not amused.

**The Tweak-Tuckers**

In a boy’s bedroom, Cole Tweak-Tucker (aka the boy himself) woke up because he heard something. He looked around his room to locate the noise. Nobody was knocking on the door to his right, nor was anything hitting his window. The closet in front of him was silent (A little too silent for his taste). Although, there were small thumps from his poster-covered wall, he actively decided to ignore it since it could just be Stripe #12 and Dot #3 roaming around in the vents again. 

It was too late for this type of bullshit, he thought, and he was a growing, ten-year old boy that needed his sleep. 

With that, he slept once more, unaware of what was to come. 

The time was somewhere between late night and early morning when he heard bumps and giggles coming from his drawers along with the rustling of clothing. Along with a faint humming from inside his drawers.

Something his dad warned him about.

He forced his eyes open at the sound. Worry and panic swelled in his chest as he grabbed the can of bug spray his dad gave him from the table near his bedside and hesitantly got out of bed. 

He opened the drawers to see a bunch of tiny beings getting their grubby hands on his underwear while singing a stupid song about underpants.

What the actual fuck ?

They looked kinda like people...except they had pointy hats,looked pretty dirty and their teeth were unsettling. 

They stared at him before moving their eyes to the can in his hand. Before they could react,the boy lifted the can up and sprayed at them until it was empty. 

Fortunately,they didn’t see it go empty since they were running for their tiny lives. 

Most of them retreated to a hole in the wall that was DEFINITELY not there before while the others just ran out of the door somehow. The one thing that both groups did, however, was scream. He coiled at their shrieks until they faded away, yawning once they were gone. 

He figured since it was early morning/late at night, he could wrap his head around this scenario once he’s fully rested. Those tiny assholes and their fucking shenanigans.

He walked right back to his bed, placing the can of bug spray back in it’s place. Maybe that’s why his dad got this for him, in case whatever happened earlier happens. Once under his many covers, he was about to sleep before hearing loud footsteps from down the hall. The door opened,revealing his dad ready with a baseball bat. 

His blonde hair was free from it’s usual Bobby pins and clips, so it sticked out all over the place. Pale arms that were slightly muscular from lifting all those heavy sacks of flour and seven-layer wedding cakes. He was wearing green pajamas with the pajama top misbuttoned, like he was in a hurry. Blue-green eyes looked over at him with worry.

“Cole, are you okay ?!!! I heard screaming !!!”

Cole winced at the volume of his dad’s voice, “Don’t worry,it wasn’t me. It was some tiny people trying to take my underwear. They’re gone now” 

His dad’s composure visibly relaxed, he put down the bat and sighed.

“Fucking Underpants Gnomes…” He swore under his breath.”I take it you used the bug spray I gave you ?”

“Yeah...Wait,how did you know this was going to happen ?”

His dad gave out a nervous laugh. ”Trust me, I got multiple visits from them as a kid. They go away once you hit 18. Surprisingly, they prefer prepubescent underwear over adult ones. Unless you’re an unlucky bastard. Then they’ll keep coming after you”

He should be scared about the fact that tiny people DO exist and we’re trying to steal his underwear for whatever reason. But honestly ? None of this registered to him since his brain is all jumbled up from sleep deprivation. His dad noticed this and told him that they’ll talk about it tomorrow. With that said, they both said good night before actually sleeping. 

Later that night, they came back again. This time, wearing googles and masks as some sort of protection against him. Too lazy to get up and his can of bug spray empty from their first attempt, Cole yelled for his dad. Who came back with not only his bat, but with his papa as well. The tiny beings were shocked to see both of their former victims suddenly appearing and ran for their fucking lives, again. Most of them escaped their wrath, but those unlucky few who didn’t escape his parents were beaten to a bloody pulp as a warning before being tossed out the window. Each one landing with a sickening crack. 

Afterwards, they began cleaning the room until all traces of gnome blood were gone and the hole was repaired. Once that was all done,the family bid each other good night once more and slept without any further incident.

Later at School -

“Mister Tweak-Tucker, please pay attention !!!”

Cole shot up from his sleep as his math teacher called him out. Making half of the class giggle. He felt his stomach do a flip as he tried not to overthink his embarrassment. 

The class settled back to it’s usual pace with it’s low whispers and judgemental snickers every five minutes . Oh crap, were they whispering about him ? He hopes they weren’t. It was bad enough that he was adopted from the recently rebuilt South Park orphanage. 

He did not need the fact that he sleeps in class to be added to that. 

Stupid Underpants Gnomes keeping him up all night. How did his dad deal with them as a kid ?!! It was a good thing they’re not going to ‘bother him again’ as his papa stated earlier during breakfast while going over some sort of star chart. 

Who knows what could happen to him if they came back during those ungodly hours the next night ? 

“Psst, hey.” Whispered a familiar voice,making him snap out of thoughts

Cole looked behind him to see Autumn McCormick throw a crumpled piece of paper at him. He barely caught it before unfurling it to see what his friend wrote him.

 _“You look like hell, dude. What the fuck happened last night ?”_

He looked back again at his best friend,who only gave him a worried look and a shrug. He grabbed his pencil and crudely drew the tiny creatures from last night. After that,he wrote _“Underpants Gnomes”_ under the drawing.

 **The McCormicks**

When Cole threw back the paper,Autumn laughed at the thought of tiny people invading his best friend’s underwear drawer. Because honestly,how could anything like that happen ? It sounded pretty made up and stupid.

…

Who was he kidding,this was South Park. The place where something tries to take over the world every month or so. That, or attempts to commit genocide (he would know since whatever appears would either kill him or his pops as their first victim).

As he thought of how much crazy shit goes down in this town, he barely heard someone yell ‘Look out’ before getting his head smashed between a flying fire extinguisher and a pole. He heard his skull crack against the two metal objects before his body crashed into the pavement. He felt the glass shards pierce into his face as he bled outside in the cold. He heard somebody call for the nurse as Cole cried out his name. His vision faded out as people running towards him. Then,he was gone...

Stupid family curse. Stupid biological parents trying to summon demons using him.

Black edged his vision as he woke up in his bed in the basement. He quickly got out of bed to stretch before making his way upstairs. Where he saw his pops re-reading a script on the couch. Probably to confirm where he replaces the actor as a stunt double. His dad had messy blond hair and wore a plain orange t-shirt and a pair of worn jeans along with fuzzy socks. 

Blue eyes didn’t look up from the script. “Hey there,kiddo. How did it happen this time ?”

“Rogue fire extinguisher,” he said as he looked through the fridge,hoping that there was a drink that was safe enough to consume. He couldn’t be too sure ever since his Uncle Kevin visited them last Christmas. 

“Should I be expecting a call from the school soon, or-“

“Nah, they probably forgot about it the minute I woke up.” 

He grabbed a carton of chocolate milk and plopped down next to his pops. They talked about how first to third period was and how Cole was sleeping in class because of ‘Underpants Gnomes’. (His pops kind of grimaced at the mention) before his pops decided to sneak him back into class. They got in the car and drove back to the elementary. 

Since his bag wasn’t with him, he needed to sneak back into the classroom that he died in.

While in the car, Autumn looked out the window. “Hey pops…”

“Hmm ?”

“Do you think I would die next week ?” 

“Not if I take you to the set with me”

He smiled. 

“Thanks,old man”

“Hey,I’m not that old. But you’re welcome”

With that,Autumn got out and climbed through the vents. Hoping he hadn’t missed TOO much.

(Luckily,it was recess. Unluckily,the hall monitors saw him grab his bag in the classroom and dragged his ass to detention again.)


	2. Episode 1- Part 1 : Welcome

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There’s a new kid, and no, not THAT New Kid.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my god, after almost a year. I’ve finally updated. Wooo

South Park has a way to make you fuck up even the smallest of tasks. 

No matter who you are,or what you do.

South Park WILL find a way to fuck it up for you. 

May you all be warned,those who enter this town.

Because this town is truly all kinds of fucked up. 

 

-

“And this class, is...what’s your name again ?” 

Ms.Grapegate looked at the brunette boy. He put on his best smile “My name is Hector Hills, ma’am. I just moved here with my parents from Ohio and-“ 

The elementary teacher only rolled her eyes “Okay, okay. No need to tell you life story up here. Just take a seat next to Max and listen up.” The young boy followed her instructions and took a seat next to a red-headed boy that was his age near the window. Well, why wouldn’t he be his age if he was in this class ? Hector smiled and took his hand out “Hi, I’m Hector. I guess you’re Max ?” 

Max looked like those bullies you see on TV dramas, except smaller. He had this bandage on the side of his cheek and wore his hair up in a short ponytail. His coat was a dark brown and he wore no gloves. Which kinda looked stupid since it was cold as fuck outside. Max looked up from whatever he was doodling. “I’m kinda busy here.” 

“But class hasn’t even started yet.” 

The redhead just looked down and grumbled something unintelligible. There goes his first attempt at making friends. He focused on what the other was drawing...Wait, was that a shoe ? It was crudely drawn, but the zig-zag pattern made it obvious that it was a shoe. Hector watched Max pull out a green crayon and color the hell out of it. Suddenly, Ms.Grapegate grabbed the paper and looked down on him. 

“Max, what did I say about drawing in class ?!!” she said as she inspected the drawing “And why is it a tub with ribbons ?” 

The red-headed boy just gave her a deadpan stare “It’s a shoe.” 

“No talking back. Show some respect, young man” 

“Fine. It’s a shoe, _ma’am_ ” 

If looks can kill, Max might’ve been dead with the way Ms.Grapegate was staring at them. She was about to open her mouth until Hector raised his hand. “Um,miss. I, uh, I have a question…” 

The teacher snapped her gaze at Hector, who’s palms were sweating. “What is it ?”

Shit. He really didn’t think this one through. To be honest, the only reason why he did it was so that Max wouldn’t get in trouble. Haha, now they’re both going to get in trouble. Nice going, Hills. 

-Cutaway-

Cole was tired. Not the usual ‘I just need a boost’ tired, but the ‘I stayed up all night because I reasons’ tired. He bets that if he stared at a mirror, he’d see heavy ass bags under his eyes. Gross. 

He stifled a yawn as he saw Ms.Grapegate tear Max and the new kid a new one. The noirette stealthily grabbed his bag and rummaged through it until he found a familiar paper bag. Ah, there it is. Cole opened it to grab his sugar-filled juice packet, but all he found was… a turkey sandwich. That’s weird, didn’t his dad just put in a PB&J one earlier ? He looked through the contents of the bag and saw a note. 

_Hope those 6th graders don’t give you hell today -Love,Your Awesome Husband_

Followed by a series of hearts drawn around the paper. 

Oh God

This was his Papa’s lunch.

Part of him couldn’t help but gag a bit at his parents and their affection towards one another. Another just cooed at it like a silly fanboy because it was cute as hell. He put back the sandwich and closed his bag. Pretending that he wasn’t about to eat in class. The new kid was now blabbing away about how he needs someone to show him the bathroom and shit. Honestly, he doesn’t pay too much attention to it. 

He felt somebody throw a paper plane at him, or rather tried killing him with one. Cole rubbed his neck and looked down at the paper. It had a huge **READ ME** written on it. He picked it up and stared at the blond behind him, who just sent him a small wave and a smirk. 

Damnit, McCormick. 

He unfurled the paper and read the note :

 _Switched lunches w/ ur dad ?_

Jesus,how did he know ? Before he could write a response, ANOTHER paper plane hit him. He unfurled it : 

_Hppns 2 me alot_

Cole glared and began writing a response.

 _Dude, where’s your phone ? And how the hell did you know about my lunch ?Because I swear if you a camera in my bag again, I will tie you up, cover you in honey and leave you to those annoying ass woodland critters._

He crumpled the paper and threw it aggressively at Autumn (How his friend got that name was a mystery to him.) He wrote on the second paper

 _P.S. I can’t count how many things were wrong with the way you wrote your note. Just think about how many trees you’re killing._

And threw it even harder just because he can. 

-Cutaway- 

That was a close one, Hector thinks to himself. It’s a good thing no one gave him a tour and wriggled a way out of detention on his first day along with his new friend, who was slightly ahead of him. 

Though he must admit, it could’ve gone better. Like Ms.Grapegate not confiscating Max’s sketchpad until the end of the week. Still, it beats going to the guidance counselor on his very first day. 

That’s a plus.

After some turns, they reached the boy’s bathroom. Which was way cleaner than he expected. 

“Just wait until you get into the stalls, then maybe it’s not as clean as you think” 

Shit, did he say that out loud ?

“Yes, you also said that out loud too.” Max said with a sigh and an eye roll. “Seriously, just hurry up and do your business. I don’t want teachers thinking I skipped class.” 

Hector laughed sheepishly, “Well, uh...about that… I only said that so we wouldn’t get in trouble even more.” That look of disbelief said it all for the brunette as he raised his arms and braced for impact. “Pleasedontkillme.” 

“So you’re telling me that you made up an elaborate lie about having a phobia of being alone in bathrooms _just_ so you could get us both out of trouble ?” 

He nodded. Geez, the least he could do was just punch him quick. All this suspense was killing him. Instead, he got a small laugh.

Max looked at him with a tiny smile, or a smirk. (Hector couldn’t tell). “Thanks, dude. It takes guts to lie to Ms.Grapegate, but don’t next time. She’s someone you don’t want to deal with.”

 

-Cutaway-

When class was in full swing, the two stopped sending each other paper planes/balls. As long as Ms.Grapegate was teaching, no one could send notes. Lest they summon the wrath of the great dragon lady who was too well endowed. Last time someone did, they were sent to the faculty office and was never heard from again.

Most likely because they actually returned but didn’t say anything because of the horrors in there like cold coffee and stale bagels. 

When the teacher had her back turned, Cole felt a familiar object hit the back of his neck. Seriously ? Even until now ? He picked it up and read the note. 

_Left phone at home. And no, u were just THAT obvious with ur dad’s lunch.”_

Fumes were practically coming out of his ear. He turned around and mouthed _’Later’_ before turning his attention back to class. 

This is going to be a long day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This will be edited in the future. For now, just deal with this sad and unedited version. Comments are always welcomed.

**Author's Note:**

> Constructive criticism is accepted. Thank you for reading. I might make this into a series one day... Just comment if you want me to.


End file.
